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  the way i see it

Better One or Better Two?

Let’s make a pact to rid our vocabulary of this archaic question

MARC R. BLOOMENSTEIN, O.D., F.A.A.O.

Are you like me and hate when patients think they are witty and do the same lame things repeatedly? For example, those patients who every time you ask them to read the Snellen chart take a deep breath and stoutly declare: “Made in Boca Raton, Florida.”

What is up with that? Do they think we have never heard that one before? Or better yet, the patient who thinks reading the Snellen chart is a pharmaceutical drug list: “Defpotec — hey, I take that for my irritable bowel syndrome!” The worst is a particular former patient of mine. Nary a visit would go by without her proclaiming the lowest line she could read was “F-U-C- . . . .” Classy.

Not funny

The other day I had a patient share some O.D. humor with me. Here is his joke:

One day, an optometrist died and went to heaven. He was met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter told the optometrist that, in order to get into heaven, he had to answer only one question. St. Peter added that this question should be really easy, given that the guy had been an optometrist. The optometrist agrees, somewhat confused. St. Peter then says, “OK, here it is: Which one really IS better, one or two?”

Now, if you have read any of my previous articles (then you are a better person, and you should pat yourself on the back), you know that I joke around with, kid, cajole my patients, if you will. However, I am somewhat intolerant to the occupational humor, let alone the reference to refractive style that historically and currently includes “better one or better two.”

Joke’s on us

My band of brothers and sisters, can we make a pact that from this day forward we will attempt to purge this archaic practice of one or two? Can we collectively rise up to the tyrannical forces that somehow disable the logic center in our brains? When else do you ever give a person a choice that is either one or two? Better yet, do you know how ridiculous it sounds?

Need some help crafting new verbiage to capture a new you, unlike the bud of these bad jokes? Well, you have come to the right place. Try some of these on for size: Better Coke or Pepsi? Better Shake Shack or In-n-Out? Better Jimmy or Conan? Better mullet or . . . never mind; there is nothing better than business in the front and party in the back! For the cat ladies in your practice, and you know who they are, they can be dazzled with, Better Calico or Siamese?

I attempt to size up my patient and choose a style based on his or her appearance. For business types, Better Samsung or iPhone? Or Better Business Class or Coach? For the head-bobbing, gum-chewing teen it is, Better Five Seconds of Summer or Taylor Swift? Are you feeling me? The possibilities are endless.

Go your own way

In this season of giving, perhaps you should do away with the old and try something new. Stop being held to the conformity of optometry’s past and embrace the medical-minded future. Thus, when you do meet your maker, he will instead ask you, “What is the best treatment option for ocular surface disease?” OM

DR. BLOOMENSTEIN CURRENTLY PRACTICES AT SCHWARTZ LASER EYE CENTER IN SCOTTSDALE, ARIZ. HE IS A FOUNDING MEMBER OF THE OPTOMETRIC COUNCIL ON REFRACTIVE TECHNOLOGY. E-MAIL HIM AT MBLOOMESTEIN@GMAIL.COM.